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What's happened to her face?

MYSTERIES abounded in Doctor Who (Saturday, BBC1, 7.10 pm) but the biggest one of all had to be what on Galifray has happened to Billie Piper's teeth?

In the very, very best episode yet, where, as one fellow-fan/geek put it, even Donna finally earned her stripes, all those special effects, twisting storylines and cheeky dialogue couldn't distract me from the fact that Rose appears to have crash landed on the planet Cosmeticusdentistryus.

Don't get me wrong. Rose Tyler is a top bird and it was great to see her back.

But her front - that was another thing and caused considerable consternation at Gibson Towers.

While trying to concentrate on the scene where Rose finally meets up properly with Donna and tells her all about the Doctor and all about how she's going to die, the conversation round ours went like this.

Husband: "Has she...?"

Me: "Teeth?"

H: "Yes, the teeth. What's happened to them?"

Me: "Maybe her face has got thinner so they're sticking out a bit?"

H: "A lot."

Me: "Maybe make-up did it on purpose so she looks other-worldly?"

The musing continued and I missed some of the plot and had to rewind and then it became even more noticeable. And there was a new lisp.

Of course the internet, home of the geek, is buzzing with speculation and theories.

It's been done on purpose, to make her seem different.

She's having trouble losing her posh voice from Ruby in the Smoke.

She's had veneers. That's the white covers people put over their teeth when they win the lottery/win a talent show/join a boy (girl) band/or are American.

Or she's been morphed with Bingo off the Banana Splits in a weird The Fly-style body-splicing experiment (I made that one up, but it's good, no?) On and on the list goes.

Unlike Ms Piper, the BBC is staying tight-lipped, but the most likely explanation is the dentistry thing, with one web poster going into elaborate detail about the pros and cons of Lite and Heavy Veneers.

In fact, if you recorded the episode, you can rewind and even see when the change took place. For during the scenes with the big mirrors when Rose helps Donna see the invisible creature that's been riding on her back - and I have to say that from some angles that giant scarab beetle actually looked like quite a cute little rucksack - her teeth are normal. Just like they used to be before she swapped them with a horse's!

Anyway, teeth aside it was a great episode and the trailers for tomorrow night look so good, I reckon we should just don our comedy gnashers and all hail the return of Rose, the coolest chav ever.

Speaking of which, Primark - high church of bargain-hunters who worship in its aisles, paying homage, and about three quid, at its altar of cash registers for the latest bit of cheap clothing - came under intense scrutiny in the excellent Panorama: Primark on the Rack (Monday, BBC1, 9pm). The high street phenomenon shifts squillions of garments every week and is proud of its ethical approach to the sourcing and producing of them. But this documentary alleged that, despite its best efforts, Primark was failing to control how and where its stuff was made - and by whom?

Now I am no clothes snob. In fact, some of my best friends are Primarkers, and I can see why teenagers love the place as they can get the latest look for about 10 pence, but I've never got the appeal.

I've shopped there twice. Once to buy a bunch of kids' clothes for a relative who swears by them.

The other time was to get bargain tops for my girls for nursery so they could get as much paint, pen, goo, and parts of their friends on them as they liked. Again, that was all I bought.

Now I'm glad because this show alleged that sometimes cheap chic can come at a cost of human misery.

For although there are many factories there producing Primark clothes by the rules, the demands for faster turnover and higher quantities meant some suppliers farm out work or lose the contract.

The programme showed makeshift sweat shops were everywhere, mainly in poverty-stricken, God-forsaken places where dignified but desperate women were making tops for women in the UK who fight over the last size 18.

Seeing men and women crammed into tiny spaces where they worked, ate and slept, sewing Primark labels into flirty little tops for a wage of less than 60p a day was obscene.

Seeing children as young as nine using little fingers that should have been playing with toys to secure sequins on a vest so they would stay put when Lisa from Leeds went clubbing was heartbreaking.

Primark was appalled and instantly closed down the factories which had used outworkers.

But does that mean that now the legit workers have no jobs and the cycle of poverty will worsen?

The credit crunch and all those other doom-laden cliches have got us all thinking about ways of pinching our pennies, but when you do go hunting for a bargain, remember - when something is really, really cheap you can be pretty sure a high price is being paid elsewhere.

12:38pm Friday 27th June 2008

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